Know Your Stars: Animal Crossing!
by Mog Anarchy
Summary: It's Know Your Stars! Animal Crossing style! Watch their humiliation unfold right before your eyes!
1. Tom Nook

**Know Your Stars: Animal Crossing!**

**Mog Anarchy**

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**Tom Nook**

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_Tom Nook, he's so poor, he can only afford to wear an apron._

"Hey! I like to feel the breeze between my knees!"

_Tom Nook, he likes to look up Kiki's skirt._

"Hey, that whore stole my thong."

_Tom Nook, he wears girl's underwear._

"Oh please, can't I just keep the padded Wonderbra?"

_Tom Nook, he has man boobs._

"But, but… It's the marshmallows, those damn sugary sweet bastards!"

_Tom Nook, he blames his flab on the innocent food that he eats. _

"That burger ASKED me to eat it, I swear!"

_Tom Nook, his best friend is a hotdog. _

"I call him Weiner."

_Now you know Tom Nook; the hobo, skirt-looker-upper, transvestite, food talker-to-er, wanker, crack addict!_

"You didn't mention the crack!"

_I didn't need to._

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	2. Blathers

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**Blathers**

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_Blathers the owl, he spies on Amelia when she takes a shower._

"I most certainly do not!"

_Blathers, he talks with a fake posh English accent._

"I originate from Brighton!"

_Blathers, he does perverted things with his sister Celeste's telescope…_

"I can see UR-anus!"

_Blathers, he shops at Hot Topic._

"They do sell wonderful polyester bow-ties."

_Blathers, he is an emo. And he stole Mitzi's make-up kit._

"Oh, can't I please just keep the eyeliner?"

_Now you know Blathers; the perverted, English gentleman, telescope espionage, eyeliner-wearing emo!_

"I loathe thee."

_Blathers, he talks to himself, because nobody else will listen._

(Sniff) "I'm so alone…"

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	3. Cornimer

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**Cornimer**

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_Cornimer, his best friend is an acorn._

"I'm nuts about nuts!"

_Cornimer, he stars in acorn porn._

"I didn't mean _that_, you dirty-minded, unruly cretin!"

_Cornimer… He ate his best friend._

"I made acorn stew for my mom when she was sick… I didn't mean to throw Corny into it!"

_Hah, he just admitted his best friend was an acorn, called Corny. _

"Doh!"

_Cornimer, he stole the design for his mask from Hyrule Castle Town's Happy Mask Salesman._

"I wanted to look like Dampé the gravekeeper too!"

_Cornimer… He is mocking a dead man. _

"He's not real!"

_And neither are you…_

"You're starting to get on my nuts, old boy."

_You're so disgusting._

_Now you know Cornimer; the acorn-befriending, best friend boiling, mask stealing, dead man mocking, acorn porn star!_

"Grr… I must go somewhere to cool my nuts."

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	4. KK Slider

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**K.K. Slider**

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_K.K. Slider, also known as Totakeke. He uses a fake name so he can get away with loading out illegal music to everyone._

"Hey man… My music wants to be free… Everyone loves a free aircheck."

_K.K. Slider - he gives out his music for free, because he's so talent less - nobody would pay three bells for one of his demo tapes._

"Yo dude… You want a free aircheck?"

_Aircheck? K.K. Slider - he still lives in the Stone Age with his plastic cased cassette tapes. Don't you know it's all CDs and mp4 players now?_

"Hey man… My clients are more than happy with a free aircheck… And it's all about the people, ain't it…?"

_Clients?! I thought you were a busker - not a pimp!_

"Dude… My people love a bit of K.K.'s doggy style."

…_Too much information! You're even worse than that nutcase who's obsessed with roasting his own testicles._

"Sorry…?"

_K.K. Slider - he's so poor, he picked his guitar out of the trash._

"No man… I found Doris here at the recycling hang-out at the Post Office…"

_Is that name a homage to your mother? Tut, tut, wouldn't she be disgraced to hear her son is working as a pimp down at a coffee shop._

"Hey guy… My mommy's really proud of her lil' pup."

_What; she's proud that you're a talent-less busker who seduces little human kids to come round the back of the museum with him?_

_You do realise, giving out music for free is illegal in fourteen states of Canada?_

"Yo man… I say… Everyone wants one - they're hotter than-"

_Please, no more porn-related euphemisms. Aircheck sharing is bad… Aircheck sharing is bad… Didn't you ever listen to the noble words of Metallica?_

"Metallica… Those guys should just lighten up and let their airchecks down…"

_Totakeke - You should take a hint from them - you couldn't rock like Metallica if your life depended on it. _

"Alright man; that's enough for our session - I'll be here next week, same time, same place."

_Oh of course; you have a date scheduled with an unsuspecting human child. Pervert. _

_Now you know K.K. Slider; the Metallica-mocking, child-seducing, aircheck-sharing talent less busker!_

"Hey baby… Do you have a request for me…? I'll go all the way this time - for you…"

…_.I don't even WANT to know!_

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	5. Sahara

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**Sahara **

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"Hello…? Is this the carpet convention?"

…_Sahara. She has no sense of design… Her carpets look like a three-year old's attempt at finger painting on a chopping board._

"Excuse me?"

…_Sahara… I could puke on a carpet and it would look better than your designs._

"Either kindly point me in the direction of the carpet convention; or-"

…_Carpet burn convention. Sounds like something that K.K. Slider and that testicle-obsessing porn star would like._

"…How dare you."

_What's wrong; have you got the HUMP?_

"…You're taking it one step too far now mister - insulting my livelihood is one thing but-"

_Livelihood… You can't say that. You're more of a con merchant than that weasel who pays people to go running around getting stung by bees and hit in the crotch with rakes._

"Yes… And he videotapes them, and sells them to Animal Crossing's Funniest Home Movies."

_Indeed - but even that isn't as heinous as taking a shit on a carpet and marketing it as a 'colourful country meadow' or some such nonsense._

"…The name was 'Everlasting Chocolate Fountain'."

_Oh yuck… That's just disgusting!_ _And you probably made some poor sap give up his astro-turf carpeting for that, as well as charging him two th-_

"FOUR thousand…"

_Somebody ought to drown you in an oasis. _

"…Enough with the camel jokes."

_Why, what's wrong - getting too grouchy? Try not to spit on me. I'm not a carpet after all!_

"…You insult me, yet you seem to also know of my 'Splatter Syndicate' design?"

…_Exactly - you market your bodily functions on floor tiles for money. No wonder everyone has the camel flu. _

_Now you know Sahara - the deranged dromedary who's three-toed camel feet are so useless at designing, she uses her arsehole to do the work for her._

"Wow! They made a carpet patterned like the Grand Canyon out of earwax smears! I've GOTTA try that!"

…_Eww… I pity the carpet layers…_

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	6. Joan

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**Joan**

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"Oh, I've been selling my turnips for sixty years… Is anybody interested in purchasing some of my fine, tender vegetables?"

…_Joan. You have been in the turnip business for sixty years… Are you not claiming your pension yet?_

"Excuse me?"

…_Ah, that's right. Turnip-pickers don't get a pension. Even chavs get state benefits. That just proves how low down on the scale you are._

"…Pardon? Talk into my good ear, child!"

_See? You're going deaf and blind, and you're getting so bad with your Alzheimer's, you wear an old pillowcase and tablecloth to work._

"I beg your pardon, these are fine clothes, made for me by the Able Sisters!"

_I'm surprised you could afford to buy them. Nobody buys turnips anymore! Get with the times, geezer - it's all Swedes now!_

"Swedes cannot compare to the raw beauty and unimaginable taste of the almighty turnip."

_Oh please. Turnips are so overrated. _

"Haven't you got anything better to do? Are you going to buy some turnips or-"

_Speak for yourself, you dirty little atheist. Today is Sunday - you should be in church!_

"Now, that is a private and personal matter - and I don't think it's any of-"

_Tut tut, you're ashamed of your personal relationship with the Almighty. That's why he's sentenced you to no pension, and when you die, you're going to roast turnips for SATAN!_

"Ack! Don't say that!"

_Why…? Can your poor old heart not take it? I'm not surprised, your only supplement is turnips! Get some Omega 3 into you, woman!_

(Joan gasps, clutching her chest - before she falls on the ground, all of her turnips tumbling from her sack onto the ground.)

_Now you know… Err… You KNEW Joan - the Satan-worshipping, turnip-stewing, Omega-3-avoiding, no-pension-gaining, incontinent geezer! _

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End file.
